“This is not about feminism, but the way feminism was taken in by this society. You want to work? Well, you'll work and raise the children and do everything in the house. No one could be expected - woman or man - to work 80, 90 hours a week. It's not human and it's just not bearable.” By, Marilyn French

This sentence best exemplifies the dilemma of America in the twenty first century. Reportedly, women now represent more than fifty percent of the work force, but in many cases they are also the ones raising the kids and managing the household. So, often, the mothers who can afford to do so quit their jobs to raise their children, because they see the impending disaster that arises from two people working insane hours (leaving aside that most men prefer to work than staying home). These same mothers are, unfortunately, faced with the question of what to do once the kids leave home. At the pace at which corporations travel (fast!), it’s unthinkable for a woman to rejoin at the level she was before kids, but it’s also unfair to penalize her because society is set up in a way that doesn’t allow for parents to raise families AND work. So, what is a woman to “do” when the children go to college?

For now, and until our culture understands the need for more balance, we should ask ourselves how we have changed in the years of managing households, organizing other people’s lives and juggling several balls at once, and what that means. The how refers to the level of compassion, wisdom, strength and endurance that we have acquired and the what speaks to where these traits fit the best. Since women have (and fully utilize) their intuition and are by nature versed in affiliation and community with others, it suits us best to help the rest of humanity along, i.e., men and children. Since the ills of society are many, i.e. a culture that is profits driven, a complete disregard for the elderly, a lack of adequate social services, an environment that is being destroyed, why not delve into one of these major issues and apply our natural and learned skills to heal these areas? Whether we have become mothers or not, all of us, middle-age women, are hungry for more fulfilling roles and the feeling that are contributing to the growth of our society in a meaningful way.  Right now there are many not-for-profits organizations addressing these issues, however these much needed changes can also occur as a result of the efforts perpetrated by the huge pool of talent of mothers rejoining the work force once the children leave.

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My attention was caught by an article that appeared on the current issue of MS magazine; in it, the author, Carmen D. Siering, describes Bella, the protagonist of the much acclaimed movie Twilight, as “a blank slate, with few thoughts or actions that don’t center on Edward.” She continues by saying that, where Bella is “infantilized,” Edward is “condescending” and the only one allowed to “initiate intimacy.”

I pondered. Wait a minute!  Why did I like the movie if such were the premises? Is it possible that I, too, am a victim of our patriarchal society’s canons subscribing to the widespread notion that women can’t be happy unless they have a man who worships and loves them? The mere fact that the book sold 22 million copies and many more saw the movie seems to corroborate these assertions.

For my part, I watched the movie with detached interest at first, a glimpse of excitement in the middle and a longing for “it” to continue by the end. For two days I fantasized about it and even convinced my daughter to buy the movie once it came out in DVD. And yet, throughout it all, I sensed a weakening of the person I have become, as if, through the two hours of watching it, I had regressed into the young woman I was, when being liked and nurtured by a man was intrinsic to achieve happiness and fulfillment.

How did we so easily buy into a story that is so clearly devoid of redeeming values? What happened to the teachings of the strong women that were our grandmothers and the ones who fought for our ability to stand up and claim our strength?

According to Adrienne Rich, author of “Of Woman Born,” patriarchy, which literally means “the power of the fathers,” became prevalent in our culture after the advent of industrialization in the early 1900’s. Women, from working their farms, sewing textiles and tending to the animals, joined the men in the factories and showed resilience to hard work and pain in a far greater measure than their counterparts (and took care of the households as well afterward). Men, threatened by such powerful presence, made sure that the women retreated into the house to become full time mothers and homemakers, (which also coincided with the need for comfort and centeredness that emerged after the Vietnam War).

It was during this time (50’s and 60’s) that Disney released Cinderella and later Sleeping Beauty, movies that sent a clear and loud message to young women all over the world, that of needing a man (preferably one riding a white horse) to rescue them. I grew up during those years.

According to Rich, it is Patriarchy that is responsible for the woman’s loss of her individualization and the birth of “the Mother, the dangerous archetype, source of angelic love and forgiveness in a world increasingly ruthless and impersonal.”(29)***

Patriarchy is a subtle and a hard to discern phenomenon. In the words of Rich, “It does not…imply that no woman has power…but that the power of the fathers…permeates everything, even the language in which we try to describe it…(she) has access only to so much of privilege and influence as the patriarchy is willing to accede to her…” (33-34).”

Patriarchy is far from dead. The fact that so many people fell in love with Edward (I am one of them, remember?) and what he represents, means that we have not yet acknowledged, reclaimed, and put into practice our ability to function without the dream and the illusion of a man sweeping us off our feet with his white horse or, better yet, his blood-dripping teeth.
 
***See more on Motherhood in my blog dated 4/2 or on my upcoming ones
 

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