Just the other day I hiked with a couple of girlfriends, both middle age and with kids about to leave for college. "What will become of me once they leave?" the first inquired. "I don't know," replied the second, "after so many years neglecting my career and caring for them and for the family, who is going to recognize that and hire me, especially at this age?"

I thought this question to be a loaded one and a multilayered at that. First of all, since us women inherently care for our communities and our family life (and why we do is an entirely different topic which I will address separately) we always end up neglecting, even if by a small fraction, our professional development. Add to that the fact that society is based on male values of hard-core results and rational goals (and that our Western culture tends to gratify material gains, exterior looks and a success which is measured in terms of our ability to compete and win) and we understand why we may feel a bit lost and not too clear as to where to pick up the pieces of our futures.

For starters, it's important to recognize that we are no longer the same people we were before. For good or not-so-good reasons, the years of giving and utilizing our feminine values of nurturing and caring have not only transformed us but have also given us a spiritual perspective we did not possess before (I am also talking about the women who had no children and/or continued with their careers). As it is common in other cultures, at a certain age we feel the need to reconnect to something more profound, more meaningful and more rewarding. Thus a job where the goals are ego-driven or aimed at some far off objective no longer fits our needs. Even the idea to be "recognized" by someone else is almost ludicrous (seriously now, who is going to even remotely understand what it's like to perform five different jobs on any given day unless it's another woman in the same condition?) because we know so much more. But, when we fill out our new resume, what exactly do we write in the lines of "what we did," and "what do we want to do?"

My experience is that we first need to reconnect, at a very deep level, with who we have become and recognize what we value most in our later years. There is nothing more scary and lonesome than to abandon our true selves out of fear--fear of not making it or of not being accepted and embraced--and the consequences can be frightening and create even more isolation around us.

Secondly we need to find "our community," and for that I advocate searching for women like us and tell each other as it is. Virginia Woolf used to say, " To go down boldly and bring to light those hidden thoughts which are the most diseased; to conceal nothing; to pretend nothing, if we are ignorant to say so; if we love our friends to let them know it,"  and I agree wholeheartedly. Let's be honest with one another, let's have the courage to lean on each other and help us along this wonderful path of truths and self-discovery.

Third, let us have Faith in the Universe (or God, if you prefer) and its capacity to deliver what we are due. I know that when we have nothing to eat and must pay the bills these are just words (and I have been there more than once myself), but at the same time we must ask ourselves: "has there ever been a time when something happened and it wasn't for a specific reason?" In retrospect you may realize that things always occur for us to learn something, and holding on to that kind of Faith is to know, in no uncertain terms, that when when we are ready the situation will change by its own accord.

At this point we will uncover our passion and our next step, whether it is aligned with the views and the needs of a multinational corporation or with the deep yearning to open a knit shop.

With the multiple skills and the wisdom we have acquired, the faith we hold inside, and the openness to share our stories, there is nothing that we won't be able to do!

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“This is not about feminism, but the way feminism was taken in by this society. You want to work? Well, you'll work and raise the children and do everything in the house. No one could be expected - woman or man - to work 80, 90 hours a week. It's not human and it's just not bearable.” By, Marilyn French

This sentence best exemplifies the dilemma of America in the twenty first century. Reportedly, women now represent more than fifty percent of the work force, but in many cases they are also the ones raising the kids and managing the household. So, often, the mothers who can afford to do so quit their jobs to raise their children, because they see the impending disaster that arises from two people working insane hours (leaving aside that most men prefer to work than staying home). These same mothers are, unfortunately, faced with the question of what to do once the kids leave home. At the pace at which corporations travel (fast!), it’s unthinkable for a woman to rejoin at the level she was before kids, but it’s also unfair to penalize her because society is set up in a way that doesn’t allow for parents to raise families AND work. So, what is a woman to “do” when the children go to college?

For now, and until our culture understands the need for more balance, we should ask ourselves how we have changed in the years of managing households, organizing other people’s lives and juggling several balls at once, and what that means. The how refers to the level of compassion, wisdom, strength and endurance that we have acquired and the what speaks to where these traits fit the best. Since women have (and fully utilize) their intuition and are by nature versed in affiliation and community with others, it suits us best to help the rest of humanity along, i.e., men and children. Since the ills of society are many, i.e. a culture that is profits driven, a complete disregard for the elderly, a lack of adequate social services, an environment that is being destroyed, why not delve into one of these major issues and apply our natural and learned skills to heal these areas? Whether we have become mothers or not, all of us, middle-age women, are hungry for more fulfilling roles and the feeling that are contributing to the growth of our society in a meaningful way.  Right now there are many not-for-profits organizations addressing these issues, however these much needed changes can also occur as a result of the efforts perpetrated by the huge pool of talent of mothers rejoining the work force once the children leave.

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I face many years ahead without the task of raising my child and find that there is no model to accommodate whom I have become and what I have to offer. I don't want to be only a wife, I don't want to rejoin the corporate world which will leave me scarred and without a life outside the office, I don't want to hear a thirty-something tell me how to manage a project. I have done all that and more. So, where do I fit now?

As we look for the next step in terms of a career or purpose, we believe what the world tells us we ought to. We equate ‘career' with finding a job amongst the many a thousand that already exists. In many cases that alone leaves us dissatisfied. A ‘job' per se is, more often than not, not enough. What do I mean by that?

As we grow into our forties and fifties we change. Whether we have kids or not we change in measurable ways. From the days when we lived alone and all we had to worry about was our job and our wellbeing, once we marry or join lives with our partner(s) the essence of who we are is forever modified. Even if it is by virtue of living in a culture that sees women as the providers of emotional support, or whether it is because our partners can't alter the course of "their" direction, such elements push us against the wall of self-reflection.

Who are we now? Now that we have quit the earlier corporate job, have spent countless years tending to someone else's needs, have accepted less-than-what-we-deserve-or-can-do positions in the working world to accommodate our kids' schedule and the necessities of being part of a larger community, who have we become and where do we fit? 

The answer lies deeper than one may think. It is now, more than ever, that we need to pay close attention to what our heart tells us. As Nor Hall says in The Moon and the Virgin, "So the female void cannot be cured by conjunction with the male, but rather by an internal conjunction, an integration of its own parts, by a remembering or a putting back together of the mother-daughter body." Similarly, Maureen Murdock, author of A heroine journey (a MUST read for all) and a therapist, tells us that

"Women...between the age of thirty and fifty (carry) a dissatisfaction (that) is described as a sense of sterility, emptiness, and dismemberment, and even a sense of betrayal...These women have embraced the stereotypical male heroic journey and have attained academic, artistic, or financial success, yet for many the question remains, ‘What is all of this for?'

In Murdoch's estimation this ‘success' has left us exhausted, stressed and wondering how it all came about. She moves on to address the necessity for women to embrace their feminine nature and to heal the "deep wound of the feminine."

If we look at history since the early 1900's, it's clear how we have arrived where we are. As early as half a century ago women didn't live past much past their fifties. Giving birth to sometimes ten, fifteen children, tending to them and to the farm (or, as it was the case in the 20's and 30's, to the factories), took its toll on women. The ‘women problem' disappeared even before it had a chance to be acknowledged (never mind that writers like Virginia Woolf, Friedan, Rich and many others screamed their outrage at the overlooking of women situations; our institutionalized, industrialized, patriarchal society had different priorities). As the world wealth increased in North America and other Western nations especially, women became more educated, lived longer and had less kids. But this change left a huge gap in our gender's journey. Where is the model for the throngs of women who are still fairly young, who have worked in the corporate or non-corporate world to match their male allies and become independent, who have raised their children, who have gained spiritual and emotional understanding and maturity, and now face years ahead? How and where do they (we) fit? The first step, says Murdoch, is "the redefinition and validation of feminine values and an integration of these with the masculine skills learned during the first half of the century."  In other words, listening to our inner-self and nurturing the ‘daughter' we have inside that has been neglected in pursue of worldly and patriarchal dictated goals. The second step, I say, is to reconnect with one another in the firm belief that we are not alone, but rather a link of a much larger chain.

Our society values what we do, not who we are. Those of us who seek success in the world as it is today are bound to create an imbalance in our feminine selves. We know how to do things and achieve goals, but we carry a void inside that leaves us broken and lost. To heal we must first reconnect to our deeper selves, devoid of the world symbols, to listen to the energy within that spurs us to write, paint, sing or else. Let us be, not do. Murdoch says: "A healing...occur...as she begins to nurture her body and soul and reclaim her feelings, intuition, sexuality and creativity."

Once we have embraced all of us without shame and regrets, we must reconnect to one another for support and validation. Only us women can understand what we mean when we say: "Now what? Now that my child is out the door, now that I have cooked thousands of meals and laundered hundreds of loads, now that I have worked endlessly for someone's high profits, now that I KNOW BETTER, where do I go?"

As I spend my days doggedly reclaiming my true nature, I have faith in the journey and trust that the Universe will meet me where I am supposed to be. I hope that you do the same as it is from this place that the answer will come and, with time, a change will also occur in society that will reflect our quest and the integration of our deeper selves.

Please don't be afraid to comment. It is only through knowing that we are not different from one another in our feelings and thoughts that we can help ourselves uncover the next step(s) for our future and purpose. Thank you.

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